Tuesday, December 7, 2010

WikiLeaks Update- Julian Assange in Jail - Quick, Someone Mention Al Qaeda


Nice Graphic: Stolen then Released

This story keeps twisting and turning in a hundred directions. CNN reports that Julian Assange, founder of WikiLeaks and number one enemy of embarrassed governments worldwide, has been ordered to jail by an English Magistrate- do not pass secrets, do not collect 200 dollars. Mr. Assange would not provide the judge with a permanent address, making him a "flight risk".  We're almost certain Julian wants to tell the whole world where he lives, but that would be kind of a dumb idea, considering the tense situation over at the WikiLeak  Alamo.  Even the Mexican Army is ready to kick down his front door.

The Queen
It is important to point out that Mr. Assange has not been charged with any crime. In Europe, arrest warrants are issued in order to interview a potential suspect. This is much different than how the U.S. judicial system functions. Could it be there are very high-ranking officials in the British Government who want to intimidate the Australian native and coerce him into pulling his WikiLeaks site offline? Somebody call and ask the Queen.

Mr. Assange has a response for Goverment leaders who want him taken out. He has prepared a massive, encrypted file, which has been downloaded to 100,000 users. If anything unfortunate happens to Mr. Assange, such as his untimely demise, his city-sized accomplices will be given the key to unlock the file, which his attorney referred to as a "thermonuclear device". We were wondering if that was an exaggeration?

boom
Perhaps Mr. Assange found a way to get to that old nuclear material lying around in Pakistan. Recent wiki-leaked diplomatic cables reveal the United States has been trying for years to get permission from Pakistani leaders to remove this aging stockpile of highly enriched uranium and return it to the United States. Since we provided the technology to allow Pakistan to create the nuclear waste back in the 1960's, we have been mildly suggesting that it is our responsibility to clean it up and bring it home- before a couple of Allah-praising radicals in a Toyota pick-up find it and take it to their home. Never mind that. If we toss Julian Assange in jail and close down his Wiki-leaking truth machine, the world will be a safer place. Nuclear-Shmuclear.

Always Reliable Toyota Truck
Meanwhile, a significant fuss is being made by the United States and Great Britain about WikiLeak's release of 2009 diplomatic cables that list potential targets for Al Qaeda. It was only a matter of time before some government official mentioned Al Qaeda. In their eagerness to exploit the Qaeda card, officials overlooked one minor point. Why were State Department diplomats preparing these lists at all? Are our intelligence services so inept they can't find dams and power plants in foreign countries?

We thought diplomats had more of a public relations job. Hey, diplomatic list-making person- have you added the power plant on River Road to your list of American sites? Just curious, because I noticed that the guard shack is occupied by a 70-year old, 5'4" tall, retired district justice, some razor wire, and a few cameras. Looks a bit sketchy to us, better classify this TOP SECRET.

A Real Al Qaeda List  
The Al Qaeda reference is puzzling when you think about the uniquely effective methods of terror they've used. There was the speedboat filled with explosives in Yemen, the  attack on the Taj Majal hotel in Mumbai, the bombing of United Nations in Baghdad, the bombing of trains in London and Madrid, the bombing of the holiest Shiite shrine in Samarra, the cold-blooded killers who took flying lessons, boarded four separate commercial planes, hijacked them, and used the planes as explosive missiles to kill innocent Americans. Al Qaeda doesn't need lists prepared by diplomats in the State Department.

 By the way, who has the list of locations where Osama Bin Laden is hiding? It has been nine years since he murdered nearly 4,000 U.S. citizens on our native soil. Someone should get on that ASAP.

We would like to help the major world powers get their priorities straight. We've prepared our own list:
1. Free Julian Assange
2. Catch Bin Laden

Any questions? Now off you go, hard-working diplomats.

Diplomat  
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