Monday, June 4, 2007

Emergency Management Update from Diffle County

May-June, that time of year when all light follies must dance to the side stage and the work that feeds the family takes center stage. There isn't much writing to think upon, ideas are scattered by our daily Quixotic quest for the almighty dollar. Here is a small update from our local community center

In Diffle County, the boys at Sustenance Township decided to hold an emergency management meeting. There was quite a fuss at the beginning because one person forgot their official hat and another fruited his beer-again. After a heated discussion on which firetruck would best block the bridge to New Jersey - thereby successfully stopping the million person exodus from the Big Apple, we settled down to more serious problems- re-seeding the population should the big one hit the pavement 2 hours East of us.

Father Figure (FF) felt we would have no choice but to re-seed, but Jersey Jerk (JJ), who also gave a spirited but fruitless argument over the firetruck (he actually thinks one truck won't stop a million angry New Yorkers), felt there just wouldn't be enough hours in the day to effectively re-seed so many people. Island Bob reminded us that Slim Jimmy the Whitecap had once bragged of impregnating over 2000 women in Queens. Poor Jim was shot, stabbed, castrated, drowned, and robbed not long after his pronouncement and the case is still unsolved-too many suspects and no witnesses.

It was Mr. America (MA) who came up with the idea that we eventually agreed upon. We would have to create a bank for our gifts. Sample cups (very, very small ones) were ordered and soon we will all be filling and freezing. Except for me - I have been shooting blanks for some time. But I may still fill a few cups, just for the spirit of the event.

The next item of business concerned sewage disposal for a million people. MA made a motion to rent 10,000 Port-a-Johns should a nuclear terrorist attack (God forbid) occur. I mentioned that we would be competing with every other Township and County in three states for the Portable bathrooms. It might be necessary to allow refugees to set up tents in our yards and share our own septic systems and wells. JJ was worried that mowing our lawns would then become difficult, if not impossible. Island Bob suggested floating large barges on the Franklin family pond. MA again came up with the solution- slit trenches in Henry's cornfield. Another vote was taken and Henry's field was designated the slit disposal site. There was no agreement on who was going to tell Henry.

JJ brought up the idea of charging refugees an entrance fee. We could set up debit machines, cash drawers, ATM's and provide employment for toll-takers at the Township border. JJ offered to keep an accounting of the revenue since he has the latest quick books program. The motion failed to get a second because Henry had just arrived in the parking lot. He didn't look too happy. The meeting was quickly adjourned as the boys headed out the back door, leaving me to lock up- and face Henry. "We may have to reconsider using Henry's farm!", I heard one of them yell just before the door slammed.

On the National level, the FBI foiled a dangerous plan to blow up JFK airport and another serious threat to our society is safely behind bars- Paris Hilton. The word from inside? She is being very cooperative and especially enjoys the water boarding.

I think it's time to break out the John Deere and mow the lawn. The next Emergency Management Meeting will be held sometime after we are done harvesting Henry's corn.


New Song: I Don't Want a Ray Gun