Monday, July 30, 2007

Rant of the Week - The Underwear Conspiracy


When I was a youngling in a land long ago, called Levittown by some, Cardboard City, USA by others, there was only one type of underwear boys had- tidy whiteys. Didn't matter whether it was Fruit of the Loom, Haines, or JC Penney, they were all white and snug around the family jewels.

After gym class, the boys would change (some would actually shower first) back into their clothes and for a moment or two, the locker room was a sea of white underwear. Perhaps it was consistent with the fashion of those days when the only color found on the tennis court was white, you either bought black or white converse sneakers, and wore a white headband when jogging. Schools required white uniforms for gym class and white was the only color that came out of toothpaste. Even Diana Ross had white polka dots on her dress. Or maybe it was Dionne Warwick. I will have to check on this.

Then one day, some fashion designer thought it would be sexy to put men in bikini briefs, with pretty patterns and colorful designs. Most men, straight men anyway, avoided the briefs like the plague. A few brave, some would say stupid, women bought their men bikini briefs for Christmas. Ha ha honey, aren't these a hoot? Will you model them for me? yeah baby, as soon as you strip naked and dance on the roof of the car during rush hour.


Soon, meaning after ten or twenty years because time flies, there were more kinds of underwear than you could shake your stick at- boxers, boxer briefs, thongs, gay thongs (don't tell me you don't know what they are), sack holders, smackeries, tootle-oo I see u thrus, and other assortments of embarrassing styles in every color imaginable. Some even had lips printed on them and others, cute sayings like "snake holder". The shelves overrunneth like a big pee in a small cup while stuck on Interstate 80 in a blizzard.


So when in all this advancement did our celebrity-ordained fashion designers decide to eliminate elastic waistbands that last no longer than one washing? Is it just another Chinese conspiracy to infect the world with poor quality merchandise? Was anti-freeze used in the manufacture of our man panties? Should we be worried we are keeping our privates locked up in the toxic vault? But most importantly, what happened to real elastic that stuck to your waist like Lindsey Lohan on a Vodka and Tonic?


OK, I admit that my waist has become rounder than it was in eighth grade gym class. I admit that with a good shave and a blonde wig, I could be mistaken for a very pregnant (and scary ugly)woman. I will agree that placing underwear on a bowling ball adequately describes a similar morning ritual of mine. But fresh out of the wrapper, and snug on the bellyorb, the elastic seems to work. But wash that underwear just once and the damn thing is hanging down to your ankles.


There is a solution. Mini-belts. Sewn into the elastic band of the underwear, these small belts could be adjusted in order to keep those undie tops close to the navel. Mini-belts could be in complimentary colors and even advertise products like Pet Food, Cough Syrup, Toothpaste, and Castleberry's Corned Beef Hash.


I know the elastic manufacturers are making a killing, using one undie's worth of elastic for 4 pair and then investing their savings into Real Estate and Alaskan politicians. I think it is an outrage that my colorful boxer briefs take the belly slide every time. I want my tightly secure underwear back. Execute a Chinese Minister if that is what it takes. Call for a special prosecutor, get Gonzales on the stand! Find the truth, nothing but the truth. The Empire is crumbling and no one has a decent pair of undies to sell. Someone needs to get to the bottom of this conspiracy.


Or..I could go back to the gym. The undies seemed to fit the last time I was there.







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