Saturday, September 8, 2007

Serenity For Sale

I bought a small bumper sticker that reads " Don't hassle me, I'm local" and taped it to my office door. The next day it was altered to read "Don't hassle me, I'm crazy." Teenagers.

My ex-wife believes that I brainwashed my 17 year-old daughter and 20 year-old son. That is because we practice the theory of love and serenity in our home. A home is a sanctuary, as sacred as a house of worship- a place where anger and negativity is forbidden. You wouldn't yell at your kids in the middle of your church, would you? But I'm a crazy old fool, please don't hassle me.

I would like to offer my brainwashing services to parents everywhere. Here's how it will work. I will come into your home and spend a weekend with you and your kids. We will establish rules of operation- I like to call it "The Serenity Guidelines". You should be expected to purchase certain items, the first item being house paint. The second item will be a home star runner poster and accompanying frame for your dining room. The third item will be more house paint. I will explain this when we meet. If I tell you more, you won't pay me for my services.

Speaking of payment, I will require the following: $10,000 per family per weekend, paid airfare to your home with rental car, free meals-please have cheese, steak-umms, onions, and hoagie rolls, eggs, Texas toast, cinnamon, milk, white bread, and tomato soup available as I will cook these myself. Cooking lessons cost extra, dearies.

I may decide to bring along my brainwashed associates who will walk around your house in a happy trance. Hope you don't mind.

By the end of the weekend, your teenagers will be brainwashed into lovely shapes of self-expression, passion, and identity. You will also be transformed- crazy as I am, embracing love and serenity while removing the ball and chain from teenage ankles. You might even feel a little younger yourselves. And there will be tons of serenity in your house-and laughter too.

However, if I decide that one or both of you are not capable of administering all the serenity guidelines, then I will have to ask you to leave the project and live on your own at least 20 miles away from the rest of us happy trancers (notice how I am already creating a feeling of inclusiveness!). There is hope for your family after all.

I know my price is a bit expensive, but there are only 52 weeks in a year and I need enough money to take my girlfriend to the Finger Lakes region of New York and show her a good time. They don't call me Mr. Moneybags for nothing. Contact me right here at the mousy place website, where our trained, brainwashed staff eagerly await your call.

Disclaimers: 20% discounts for single parents. No, I don't know how to put my brainwashing technique into a bottle. If I did, I would have more money than Gates. Yes, I prefer to fly first class and yes, I hate flying so I hope you live close by. No, I do not know how to get teenagers to stop wearing black and to stop listening to heavy metal. Yes, I remember Slade. This service is not available in Germany, or anywhere there are German Lutherans, including but not limited to members of private German Lutheran resort communities. You folks need a fool with a college degree to help you. No DNA will be removed from your children even if you believe it is absolutely necessary. Cash or American Express only(Don't leave home without it).

The Coyote Lyric Video