“Uh no, the Woke nation has arrived.” Big Don grinned as he spoke after four, somewhat unkempt-looking recent college graduates walked through the door.
“Hi, we’re from the DEP,” said the lead person as they walked single file to Dave’s favorite spot and stood in a single line opposite from Big Don at the meeting table.
“Well, I am glad that’s settled”, Big Don replied, “Otherwise you’d have to explain why you’re driving a vehicle with a DEP seal on the door.” He laughed. The DEP reps were so quiet you could hear the chickens laying eggs in the coop on the property next door.
“What can I do for you fine gentlemen and ladies this afternoon?”, Don asked as he folded up the newspaper he had been reading, the headline clearly visible on the front page. PFAS Contaminates All-Natural Farm”
“My name is Dr. Linda Prior and I am a Chemical Analyst with DEP. You have an old town dump nearby? We want to test the monitoring wells for PFAS.” Linda did not smile.
Big Don leaned back in his chair and pulled open the third drawer from the top of the filing cabinet behind him, reached in and retrieved a brown file folder. He dropped it onto the table in front of DEP’s Dr. Linda Prior.
“We closed that dump 45 years ago. My father was the elected Supervisor at the time. He obtained a closure permit from DEP and that dump was sealed as per your Department’s permit. We received a clean bill of health” Big Don frowned as he spoke, “My name is Don Rider and I am the Secretary/Treasurer of this township. You can call me Big Don if you’d like.” Then he smiled a good ol’ boy grin, “that’s what my friends call me.”
A few more chicken eggs were laid.
“We are investigating for the presence of PFAS in your town dump”, she paused a moment then smiled back, “That is very impressive that you have readily available, information on your dump from 45 years ago. Did you know we were coming?”
“We’ve kept it handy for the past 45 years. My Daddy said you’d be back.” Big Don grinned broadly at the DEP quartet. “What is this PFAS you’re looking for?”
“Looks like you just read about it in the newspaper,” Linda calmly replied. She pointed to the headline still visible on the folded newspaper.
“Doctor Prior, if you knew me you’d already know I only read the Obituaries and Comics of this particular newspaper,” said Big Don. “Now why don’t you, a chemical analyst working with our DEP, explain to me, what PFAS is, please.”
Dr. Linda Prior took in a deep breath and began, saying,
“Per- and polyfluoroalkyl substances are synthetic organofluorine chemical compounds that have multiple fluorine atoms attached to an alkyl chain. As such, they contain at least one perfluoroalkyl moiety...”
Big Don interrupted, “In Layman’s terms, please.”
Dr. Prior smiled, her eyes twinkling with subtle delight,
“They are chemicals that are used in the manufacture of every day products, from frying pans and waterproof jackets to foam used by firefighters. They do not degrade due to their chemical bond and there is a growing concern among scientists like myself, that they may have a harmful effect on the human body, on wild and domestic animals, and of course the environment.”
Big Don listened intently. “Teflon” he replied.
Dr. Prior, who recently received her PHD from Maine State University, nodded affirmatively, and with a nod of her head, tossed her short, cropped strawberry-blonde hair to the side, then offered her freckled hand, which Big Don shook respectively.
“I am Dr. Linda Prior. I am working with Pennsylvania DEP as part of a major study at Maine State, where I teach graduate studies in Chemical Engineering.” She smiled, “with me is John Stuart of DEP, Bryce Roberts of DEP, and Adam Wheeler, a graduate student from Maine State whose thesis is the study of PFAS.”
Everyone shook hands with Big Don and after introductions were concluded John Stuart pulled a set of maps from a tube he was holding and opened them across the table. Big Don, John, and Dr. Prior leaned over a map of the old Town dump.
John Stuart pointed to three locations on the map.
“We will test the monitoring wells here, here, and here.”
It was at this point that Supervisor Larry Gates walked in from the side door to the town garage. He was taller than Big Don, balding with a dark brown comb over, clean shaven, his nose crooked from a bar fight too long ago to matter, and his teeth crooked from the pipe he kept firmly in place, except to speak and he had something to say that morning.
“I see we are having a PFAS party right here in the ‘Ol Grin. I was listening on the other side of that door, “ said Larry, pointing back at the door he had just walked through, “I actually read that article, read a few more articles on-line, called a Professor friend and we had a nice chat. So if you all don’t mind, I have a few questions for Doctor Prior and our good DEP friends.”
Doctor Prior replied in her best professional voice, “I will do my best to answer your questions.”
“So will I.” replied John Stuart.
Larry Gates tapped his cherry pipe in his left hand.
“Just a few questions. What studies have been completed that confirmed PFAS is harmful to humans at the levels you are testing?”
Dr. Prior looked directly into Supervisor Gate’s eyes, “Scientists are still studying the health effects of PFAS on humans and in the environment.”
Larry continued tapping his pipe into his hand.
“ Are there any studies that have conclusively proven there is a health hazard? He sat down next to Big Don at the table.
Dr. Prior pulled up a chair across from Supervisor Gates and replied, “Preliminary studies suggest negative impacts on the nervous system, and other parts of the body. They can be found in soil, water , and air.”
Larry Gates frowned slightly, “You didn’t answer my question, but I will answer it for you by quoting a verified source.”
Larry pulled his phone out of his pocket and began typing. A few minutes passed. Big Don asked if they wanted to stay for lunch, it was hot dog Thursday and there was plenty to go around. The DEP group politely declined.
“Ah here it is, the website for the National Institute of Health, you know who I mean, the N.I.H.” Larry paused and then began reading from the website,
“Quote, more research is needed to fully understand all sources of exposure, and if and how they cause health problems, unquote.”
“Yes, that’s true” replied Dr. Prior.
Larry glanced at the map, then raised his eyes to look at John Stuart. “John, my name is Larry and I am an elected Supervisor. What is EPA’s regulatory standard for PFAS in groundwater?”
Big Don began to grin.
John ran his fingers back through his curly hair and smiled, “There is no EPA regulatory standard for PFAS. There may soon be regulatory standards for two of these forever chemicals , PFOA and PFOS” said DEP’s John Stuart.
Larry replied without hesitation, “Is it true John that PFAS is a catch-all for thousands of chemicals of differing levels and toxicities and that the complicated nature of PFAS and its widespread presence in our environment makes it very difficult to evaluate?”
John looked at his shoes and replied, “yes, that’s true.”
Big Don excused himself to get the crockpot of hotdogs, sauerkraut, and a bag of rolls.
Larry pulled out a pouch and began filling his pipe.
“I have a question about testing. When you test our well for total coliform. you teste in parts per million, correct?”
A town truck pulled into the front parking lot, followed by a Blake Township Ford 350 4-wheel drive pick up truck. Five men and a woman, all dressed in work blues got out of the two vehicles, walked in, surveyed the situation, then quickly exited through the side door into the town garage.
John Stuart replied, "Yes, the standard is 0 coliform per 100 ml. or parts per million.”
Larry nodded affirmatively. “So if I were to purchase nine hundred and ninety nine thousand pieces of white confetti paper of identical size and one piece of black confetti paper of identical size and filled this room with all of them could the black confetti piece would represent a failed coliform drinking water test?”
John paused. A SAAB pulled into the parking lot, then a Lincoln and in walked the town attorney and Judge Walthers. After a short wave, both walked into the garage. The conversations in the garage were beginning to increase in intensity and volume.
“Technically, that is a basic description, but yes.” John Stuart replied.
More trucks and cars parked in the front lot, parking behind each other and blocking the two garage doors at the front of the building. Big Don opened one of the two garage doors and waved people directly into the garage.
Dr. Linda Prior stood up and leaned over the desk, directly across from Larry and said,
“ I know where this is going so please allow me to save you the time with an explanation on the controversy, but first I have to ask, is there some sort of meeting here today?”, Linda asked, raising her voice to compete with the loud laughter coming from the garage.
At that moment the side door to the garage opened and in walked ten men from four different fire companies. Each Man had a hot dog and bun in one hand and a diet coke in the other hand.
Larry smiled. “There is no meeting. It’s hot dog Thursday. Kind of popular around here. We usually serve lunch in the meeting room, but we are making some accommodation for your unannounced visit. However, you are welcome to join us if you like. Food is on a card table in the garage, soda pop in the cooler on the floor.”
At that moment the side door burst open and Grinold Township Road worker Billy “the kid” Johnstone walked in carrying a crockpot stuffed with hot dogs and sauerkraut. He was followed by Judge Walthers carrying the hot dog buns, paper plates, napkins and two open bags of potato chips.
“Help yourselves to lunch,” said the kid.
The room filled up with the lunch crowd and who took seats and began to eat their lunch while watching the entertainment.
Larry smiled at Dr. Linda Prior and John Stuart. “Looks like lunch has found you anyway.”
Before long, everyone except Larry and Dr. Prior were enjoying their hot dog lunch. Larry continued with his questions,
“Please Dr. Prior, don’t assume what my next question will be. In the spirit of cooperation allow me to re-phrase my questions.” Dr. Prior nodded in agreement.
“ Were you able to find these chemicals testing in parts per million?”
“No.” she replied.
“Parts per billion?” Larry frowned.
She shook her head back and forth and stated, "No."
“Parts per trillion?” he asked.
“Yes.” she replied, “But let me explain how..
Larry interrupted her, “Do you test any other substances in parts per trillion?
“No, but there are over 2,000 chemicals that fall under the PFAS umbrella.” Dr. Rider leaned in closer, “you obviously know enough about PFAS to know that we have to move quickly to stop people from getting exposed.”
Larry leaned forward until they were both almost nose to nose, “From what I understand 75% of us already are infected in parts per trillion. Now I also understand Maine has set a regulatory standard, is that right?
Dr. Prior smiled, walked over to the crockpot and pulled out the last hotdog, “Yes, at 70 Parts per trillion.”
Larry nodded, looked down at the table. The room was quiet, not a soul dared speak, just the crunching sound of potato chips being eaten, and sodas being sipped.
“ Is that consistent with EPA regulatory requirements, oh wait forgive me, their recommended guidelines? There is a difference, of course.” Larry and Big Don both chuckled and there were a few giggles from the audience.
“NO, it’s not. It’s more stringent but we feel it is necessary and proper to set a standard that best protects our citizens.” Dr. Rider bit into the most delicious hot dog she had ever tasted. “These are amazing”.
Big Don nodded in response and said, “They’re homemade. I think if you ask the kid, we are eating what was left of Bessie the cow and Fluffy the pig.”
The kid then jumped in, “and some venison for flavoring.”
Dr. Prior gently paced the remains of her hot dog on her plate. Her four colleagues did the same.
Big Don smiled at the room, “Well, those dogs were locally sourced, from the farm animals to the grain we fed them, and I’m betting there may be a few parts per trillion of that PFAS in them- that you are looking for." The crowd tried to hold back their chuckles and giggles but a few slipped through.
Don looked over at Larry, then at Judge Walthers, “Your Honor, I hope we haven’t compromised your judicial impartiality should a PFAS lawsuit end up on your docket.”
Judge Walthers raised his 6 foot frame out of the folding chair, pushed back his silver hair, and began to walk to the door, waving back as he went, “Not a chance of that, Don. And I will see you same time next Thursday. Thanks for lunch.”
Larry stood up, deep in thought, he looked down at the table, over that the half-eaten hot dog, then up at Dr. Prior as he began to speak slowly at first, and then faster, in a clear, unmistakable tone of person who has had enough.
“Doctor, these folks have their own townships and jobs to get to, and I have a meeting with our township attorney who I can see is just now finishing his lunch.
You are welcome to test our monitoring wells, but if I read even one article about one of our farmers giving up their crops because they legally applied sludge on their farmland under a DEP permit for the past 20-years under State regulations for goodness sake, and you find PFAS on their farms, or you find PFAS in our monitoring wells and attempt to reopen the closure permit DEP issued and final approved 40 years ago, I promise you I will personally lead the charge statewide to fight any and all regulations you attempt to pass. I sit on the Pennsylvania Regulatory Advisory Board and no regulation gets approved without our approval.”
Dr. Prior nodded her head and said, “Well, sir, I’m glad you don’t live in Maine.” She motioned to the DEP representatives that it was time to go. “Thank you all for your assistance. Have a great day”
Big Don walked the group to the door. “Time to go. Keep in touch. Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!”
As the DEP contingent started up their engines, Larry stood up, scratched a mosquito bite on his left arm while grinning at Big Don.
“These damn tree-huggers never quit. They’ll test in parts per quadrillion if they can have something new they can regulate and ruin good people’s lives. And you can bet those new regulations will have a loophole for the corporate farms but not for the local farmers.”
Big Don grabbed cleaned up the lunch fixings and nodded to Larry Gates, “you mean poorly regulate, don’t you? But she did seem very serious, Larry. You sure there aren’t any conclusive studies on this?
Larry paused for a moment, “well, there is one. PFAS has a tendency to stunt the growth in Caucasian males.”
Don laughed. “Generally speaking, Caucasians are not the tallest of men”
Larry nodded, “Well, they can blame PFAS for that too.”
And with that, the Thursday locally-sourced hot dog lunch at the Grinold Township building was over.
.JPG)
