Saturday, September 8, 2007

Serenity For Sale


I bought a small bumper sticker that reads " Don't hassle me, I'm local" and taped it to my office door. The next day it was altered to read "Don't hassle me, I'm crazy." Teenagers.

My ex-wife believes that I brainwashed my 17 year-old daughter and 20 year-old son. That is because we practice the theory of love and serenity in our home. A home is a sanctuary, as sacred as a house of worship- a place where anger and negativity is forbidden. You wouldn't yell at your kids in the middle of your church, would you? But I'm a crazy old fool, please don't hassle me.

I would like to offer my brainwashing services to parents everywhere. Here's how it will work. I will come into your home and spend a weekend with you and your kids. We will establish rules of operation- I like to call it "The Serenity Guidelines". You should be expected to purchase certain items, the first item being house paint. The second item will be a home star runner poster and accompanying frame for your dining room. The third item will be more house paint. I will explain this when we meet. If I tell you more, you won't pay me for my services.

Speaking of payment, I will require the following: $10,000 per family per weekend, paid airfare to your home with rental car, free meals-please have cheese, steak-umms, onions, and hoagie rolls, eggs, Texas toast, cinnamon, milk, white bread, and tomato soup available as I will cook these myself. Cooking lessons cost extra, dearies.

I may decide to bring along my brainwashed associates who will walk around your house in a happy trance. Hope you don't mind.

By the end of the weekend, your teenagers will be brainwashed into lovely shapes of self-expression, passion, and identity. You will also be transformed- crazy as I am, embracing love and serenity while removing the ball and chain from teenage ankles. You might even feel a little younger yourselves. And there will be tons of serenity in your house-and laughter too.

However, if I decide that one or both of you are not capable of administering all the serenity guidelines, then I will have to ask you to leave the project and live on your own at least 20 miles away from the rest of us happy trancers (notice how I am already creating a feeling of inclusiveness!). There is hope for your family after all.

I know my price is a bit expensive, but there are only 52 weeks in a year and I need enough money to take my girlfriend to the Finger Lakes region of New York and show her a good time. They don't call me Mr. Moneybags for nothing. Contact me right here at the mousy place website, where our trained, brainwashed staff eagerly await your call.

Disclaimers: 20% discounts for single parents. No, I don't know how to put my brainwashing technique into a bottle. If I did, I would have more money than Gates. Yes, I prefer to fly first class and yes, I hate flying so I hope you live close by. No, I do not know how to get teenagers to stop wearing black and to stop listening to heavy metal. Yes, I remember Slade. This service is not available in Germany, or anywhere there are German Lutherans, including but not limited to members of private German Lutheran resort communities. You folks need a fool with a college degree to help you. No DNA will be removed from your children even if you believe it is absolutely necessary. Cash or American Express only(Don't leave home without it).
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