Target: Waterbunny Goal: Marriage

A short film by Rooster the Fish Crow about love and marriage.

The Diffle County Report - Jesse Kern and the Great White Catch (Part 1)

Jesse Kern led a rugged life. He didn't know much else and by his own reckoning, he never needed to know.   He was raised poor in a one room cabin on the H.Kern Farm. His property overlooked a small valley along Potter Creek. The land had been in his family's name for over two hundred years.

Jesse's dad taught him to track, hunt, fish, raise chickens and then chop off their heads. Bill Kern also taught his son how ferment black raspberries.   That was over 33 years ago.  Jesse's mom died when he was near enough to seven to spit at it.  His dad never re-married. Bill Kern died of prostate cancer about three years ago or so.

For Jesse, days and years sort of blended together and he rarely would remember an anniversary or birthday.  He preferred the timeless movement of the woods- the snort of a deer, growl of a bear, and the scream of a rabbit were sounds he remembered and dates he studiously kept track of in a small black, leather-bound journal.

Jesse Kern was single.  It seemed to him that women wanted a reward for leaving him. He paid a price every time he fell in love.  Lately, he was more concerned about shooting a deer goodnight than saying goodnight dear.

A few days ago Charlie Ross had spotted a 12-point White Buck lying low under a stand of hemlocks. Charlie lived  about a half-mile North of Jesse Kern on County Road 319.  The white buck or albino buck is one of the rarest of deer and to have it's head stuffed and hung on the rec room wall was a Diffle County source of pride.

Within a few hours of lying quietly under a forest canopy, the white buck was talked about at Church Bingo, at the Masonic Lodge, at the Knights of Columbus, at the local Elks, the Moose, the VFW, the American Legion, and every other bar and tavern in Diffle County.  By the time Jesse Kern heard about the white buck, it had grown to State record size with at least 18 points of sheer white antler divinity.  

Jesse pushed his stringy blonde hair back behind his ears and smiled. He knew that stand of hemlocks sat on the border between his property and the state game lands.  For the past two days Jesse walked all the familiar paths in the woods near his cabin.  He looked for signs of buck rub on the higher branches, where only a prize buck in his prime could reach. He studied the tracks on the deer trails and paths.  He sat in his favorite deer stand and watched the forest underneath. He listened for the buck that might be nearby, moving through the thicker brush with quiet respect for the man watching from the trees.

Jesse Kern walked these trails nearly every day, setting traps and  blinds, and fixing deer stands. Kern knew Diffle County better than Google Earth.  He adjusted his backpack and rifle as he began tracking the elusive white deer.

In 1945, Jesse's Grandfather Harold and Great Uncle Paul divided the 150 acre farm where County Road 319 ran through the center.  At least Harold Kern thought the road divided the land in half.  A few years after the papers were signed, Harold hired a surveyor.  He owned 47 acres. His scoundrel of a brother owned 103 acres.  Harold Kern had trusted his brother and learned a bitter lesson in vocabulary: Without the word betrayal, the word trust would cease to exist.

Now through a stroke of luck, bad for Paul's side of the family and good for Jesse- the entire farm was going to become whole again. Great Uncle Paul and his wife Viola only had three children, Maggie, Ruth, and  Johnathan.  Naturally, Paul left his entire estate to Jesse's Uncle Johnathan- who married a frail woman from the city named Cecile Robuster. She promptly died of cancer on her 24th birthday and left Johnathan childless.  He never remarried (some say John preferred the company of men anyway) and recently passed away from an "unknown disease". The sole heir of his estate? Jesse Kern.  Great Uncle Paul was rolling over in his grave. Paul's sisters sued for their fair share of the estate and lost in court over the very clear handwriting in Great Uncle Paul's last Will and Testament.

The words were written like this:

    ( "...as for my two thieving gossiping, man-killing sisters I leave each one dollar of monopoly money.  I won't have my hard earned cash tossed into one-armed bandits and drunk down with fancy drinks.  There isn't a bank in hell that would take my money but Maggie and Ruth would sure as hell try to deposit it there.  I also leave nothing for their children or their children's children.  I'd rather give my money to a clan of gypsies. I'd rather leave it to my bastard brother's grandson. Leave them nothing and don't let a judge tell you otherwise. I am of sound mind and body and this is my last request.  Signed  Paul Kern"

Since the land transfer wasn't yet complete, Jesse Kern stayed off his Uncle's farm.  Besides the deer was Jesse's main concern and he was focused on that stand of hemlocks  near the game lands. Despite several sightings from residents all over Diffle County,  Jesse Kern hadn't caught the slightest scent of this world record buck.  He decided to talk with the best hunter in Diffle County and get some tips on how to catch the great white deer.  Big Don opened the door to the Township building and smiled broadly from ear to ear as Jesse Kern stepped inside.

"You've come to the right place!" Big Don exclaimed as they walked through an interior doorway that led to the Township garage..

END PART 1

40th Anniversary Ziggy Stardust Released Today

David Bowie's 'The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and The Spiders From Mars' (40th Anniversary Edition) Released Today (via PR Newswire)

HOLLYWOOD, Calif., June 5, 2012 /PRNewswire/ -- The remastered 40th Anniversary Edition of David Bowie's groundbreaking and hugely influential 1972 album, The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and The Spiders From Mars, was released today by EMI Music. Remastered by original Trident Studios engineer…

Seattle: East Coast View of a West Coast City

We’re flying over Lake Michigan at 39,000 feet, heading West.  The lake appears calm, deep blue, beautiful with a thin strip of sandy shore along its edge.   The flight is smooth, comfortable, and relaxing.   We are headed back home- to Washington State.

Seattle has been a perplexing experience. Washington is, in our humble opinion, the most beautiful state in the continental United States.    But the city has a personality problem.

First, the Seattle Sway has to go.  This purposefully-slow pedestrian stroll across major intersections while drivers wait to turn forcing traffic to back up is more than a bad trait- it’s ignorant.  This isn’t the Appalachia backwoods and your name ain’t  Jethro.  Knock it off, stop looking back and sneering at the driver you are blocking, and move your lazy ass across the street like a normal person.

photo credit: djc.com

Second, rich (or pretend rich) Seattle folk need to chill out and grow up.  You don’t need to ride a 3K bicycle,  wearing your 1k matching bike ensemble (with white ipod earbuds) in order exercise off last night’s dinner at Mama's Mexican Kitchen.   Techno Geek Yuppies are not a pretty sight and there are wayyyy too many of you in Seattle.  You are just a different kind of Seattle Sway- both are ugly.

Speaking of Techno Geek Yuppies -  Are you so busy running, jogging, biking, sailing, eating, regurgitating, more sailing, and sunning ,that you have forgotten to do the stuff that got you here in the first place?  Microsoft, hello?  How do you lose money in a fiscal year?  That means you and I are twins.   

Just because you have a bike lane doesn’t mean you get to yell at automobile drivers who temporarily invade your special strip of macadam.   We have to make turns, drop off our loved ones at work, and sometimes dodge other drivers.  Don’t shake your fist at us and yell that we are in your lane.  We know where we are on the road.  You have a thin, little bike with cracker-wide tires.  Go around us.  It's not intentional.

Seattle is a young town, full of backpacks, scooters, smarmy bikes, and young people who think their poop is an odorless air freshener.  That doesn’t mean you disrespect the older folks who also live here.  Show some respect.  Also- answer your email, say thank you when we do something nice for you, and get that digital stick out of your ass.   

To the Seattle Traffic Engineer who sets the timing on the traffic lights:  How do we put this delicately?  Screw you buddy.   Why are we sitting for 5 minutes at every light?  A minute and a half each way and 30 seconds for the turning lanes works fine on the East coast.  We don’t need to check our email at every red light.    Stop torturing the driving public, scratching your butt, and fluffing your ego. Set the light timers properly.    We smell a God-complex here and we don’t pray to civil engineers.  Your statue is a traffic light.

To the weekend Freemont Bridge operator: When the Queen of Seattle paddleboat calls you on the radio and you reply “we will open on your approach”  that means you open the damn bridge on their approach.  You don’t wait until the last Techno Geek Yuppie rides their bike across..that line will never end in Seattle.  

photo credit: phinneytown.com

Red Mill Burgers:  You can’t make burgers that delicious, add perfect onion rings and then slam us with a 5-star chocolate shake.  It is not lost on us that your meat supplier is MACDONALD.   Very funny, guys.  Now give us the recipe to your secret sauce so we can mass-produce it and make more money than Paul Allen.   You are the shining star of blue-collar cuisine and we love you.

We've been here three months and we’ve been mostly silent. We have been observing you, Seattle.  We have been working for your mid-level managers, eating at your over-priced restaurants, driving your construction-laden streets, photographing your endless beauty, and steaming over your avoidable ugliness.

   

We are from the East coast and proud of it.  We’re bringing that to you and calling you out on your lack of common-man culture, your failure at creating simple, elegant ways to enter and exit your downtown, and your acceptance of mediocrity in exchange for the direct deposit.

We don’t have the answers, but we do have a cruise ship full of questions and it’s time to begin an excavation into Seattle’s heart and soul – right after our brunch shift is over.    

A Diffle County Fourth of July

On April 30th, Kandee Dalton passed the forty-year mark and finally matched her bra size. She celebrated at the District Justice's office with her fifth marriage ceremony. Of course, there was open betting within Diffle County that her latest husband, Harvin Williams would be down the road by June. A secondary bet was how empty his pockets would be on the trip out.  Her last husband had to borrow bus fare from Big Don to get himself on that one way bus.

According to informed sources (two of her ex-husbands) 42 year-old Kandee was a ball of fire in the bedroom. But her yapping mouth was a true paralyzer of love.  She stood just about 5'4" foot tall in 4" heels and her curly blonde hair spilled over her petite shoulders like a bad 70's perm.  Think Barbara Streisand in Main Event, but with a smaller, upturned nose and bright blue eyes.

When she was a younger woman, she and a girlfriend had a few too many sangrias and decided to stand on an Interstate overpass and flash the truckers travelling East. She thought it would make their long journey more enjoyable.  Two jack-knifed trucks later, Kandee Dalton earned herself a household name.  Of course, she embraced it, hanging a sign on her mailbox that read,

    ~Kandee's Truck Stop~

Now sometimes God provides brains and beauty, sometimes brains and no beauty, and sometimes beauty and no brains.  Kandee was somewhere between the latter two.  She was pretty enough and smart enough not to go to jail for risking a catastrophe.  Naturally, it was love at first sight and she married District Attorney Mark Holmes six months after his office declined to prosecute her.  He was Kandee's first husband and they were divorced within a year. She bought a BMW to celebrate. He moved to Monroe County and never returned.

Kandee was always looking to insert herself into an idea.   It basically worked like this:  Kandee would be talking to a neighbor or co-worker at Diffle County Children and Youth, where she was a secretary.  After thirty minutes of a Kandee monologue, the other person would try to find an out-subject. An out-subject is where you interrupt almost rudely, float a sentence to change the subject and hope it gets you out of the conversation and the room.  Mary Timpson-Smith, a wall-flower of a case worker, decided it was time to employ an out-subject on Kandee, who had been rattling for a half hour over living room draperies. 

"Speaking of those old colonial drapes. I just don't understand why we have a Halloween parade but we don't have a parade to celebrate our Nation's Independence!" exclaimed Mary, building herself up for the big finale, "Why I get so angry it's all I can do to deliver this very important letter to my boss, which I better get to right away. You have a good day Kandee!"  And off she went, an out-subject success.

At that moment an idea birthed inside Kandee's brain - followed closely by a question

Kandee's Idea:   We should have a Fourth of July festival in Diffle County.  One with a parade, games for kids, food booths, and fireworks!  I bet the only reason it hasn't happened is because nobody has tried.  I should organize it!

Kandee Question:  I wonder if I can get paid for my efforts? I wouldn't ask for alot..just enough to cover my expenses plus 15%. That seems fair enough.

Kandee was quite talented at getting donations from local male merchants.She was a flirt and men are dogs which was perfect for the July 4th celebration.  Millers Grocery Store donated 4000 hot dogs, the East Greenvvale Elks donated 4000 hot dog buns,  Antonicci Pizza donated 40 pizza pies,  Johnston Office Supplies donated paper products for 4000 people, Happy Lucky Chinese Take-Out donated 4000 fortune cookies, and Millers Grocery Store ( this required more flirting), donated 6000 cans of Roadhouse Root Beer.  It's amazing what a pretty smile and a low-cut blouse can accomplish in  Greenvale.

By March, Kandee had a parade organized that was partly sponsored  by the VFW and American Legion. A 15 minute fireworks display costing 10,000 dollars was sponsored by the Fraternal Order of the Masons, Lodge No. 0110 and the Knights of Columbus, East Greenvale Chapter.

Kandee had one last hurdle: County Council approval.  On Monday, April 4th, Kandee attended the Council meeting. Her request for a parade permit and permission for a fireworks display was scheduled for a vote.  The Council consisted of 5 women and 4 men.  

When Kandee entered the meeting room , the women on the Council grimaced, sneered, clucked their tongues, and sent eye daggers by the thousands,  The men sat with twinkly eyes and bright, little boy smiles. Kandee was wearing a leopard print, body-clinging, spandex workout suit with 6 inch heels. She had teased her hair and looked like she stepped out of a movie- perhaps Saturday Night Fever or perhaps Saturday Night Sex Fever,

The meeting was not going smoothly. Every decision was decided along the gender line.   A proposed new shopping center, their plans not quite up to snuff- lost an extension request by a vote of 5-4.  A request for approval to allow the Warden to attend a conference on jailhouse security: No by a 5-4 vote.  And so it went until the last item on the agenda made it to the floor- The 1st Annual Diffle County 4th of July Parade and Picnic.   The meeting was already two hours old yet the room was still packed- there wasn't an extra seat in the house.

Kandee pitched her proposal to County Council.   Rebecca Lohman, Chairperson,  watched Kandee with clear disdain. She began peppering Kandee with questions.

" What about insurance for the event?  You want to use our roads, our park and our lake for this event.  Our insurance carrier insists you provide additional coverage."  Horst Muhlman of Old Farm Insurance jumped up from his seat.

"Old Farm Insurance has already issued a 2 million dollar coverage policy for the event, Madam Chair."  Kandee smiled at Horst. Horst winked at Kandee.

"We will not use taxpayers' money to police this event." sneered Ms. Lohman at Kandee.

County Sheriff Terence Drunkhenbeeter stood up. "My deputies who are off-duty have volunteered their time to provide traffic control.  I will also be assisting on my day off."  Kandee winked at the grinning Sheriff.

Chair Lohman frowned,  "We have an endangered species at the lake.  We can not risk damaging their habitat."

Mr, Randy Smart of the Difle County Conservation District stood up.  "Those turtles are already back down in the mud, in the bog end of the lake.  This event is more than 300 feet away and is perfectly acceptable to our office. Mr. Smart nodded to Kandee, his face blushing ever so slightly. Kandee was grinning from ear to ear.

Chairperson  Lohman stared at the papers on her desk for a moment, then asked.  "Can I get a motion, please?"

"Councilman John Henry made the motion to approve Kandee's project, seconded by Paul Rodgers.  The vote was called for and Kandee lost 5-4- right down the gender line.

She appealed.  In late May, Kandee and her attorney, Mark Holmes, made her case before Senior Judge William Butler.  She won. Judge Butler ordered Diffle County to issue a permit for the parade and fireworks display.

Diffle County did not appeal Judge Butler's decision based upon the advice of their solicitor, James Dunce. In an Executive session, he advised County Council that the legal cost of fighting Kandee's discrimination lawsuit (filed in Federal Court in Philadelphia) could exceed 100,000 dollars. Solicitor Dunce recommended  settlement.  Diffle County Council voted 5-4 for the settlement, Chairperson Lohman switching over to vote with the men.  "Just this one time!" She stated, her upper lip stiff as a corpse at the city morgue.  The settlement was for $35,00.00.  Kandee considered it as payment for services rendered.

On July 4th,  Diffle County held the largest parade in County history.  Veterans marched, 15 high school bands marched, patriotic floats rolled down the main drag in between drum corps, clown troupes, and baton twirlers. Two Mummer companies from Philadelphia marched in their own merry way, umbrellas twirling high in the air.  People packed the sidewalks five deep and street merchants sold American flags and glow in the dark necklaces.

The parade ended at the County Park where a grand picnic was held. Directly behind huge tubs of potato salad (donated by the East Greenvale German Lutheran Society) and holding a large serving spoon stood a bikini-clad Kandee Dalton. Standing to her right was Attorney Mark Holmes, dishing out the baked beans.

After dark, thousands of  Diffle County folk sat on their blankets and beach chairs waiting for the fireworks show. Across whe lake, the Lucky Happy Fireworks Company shot off the first round.  But something went wrong and all the fireworks went off at once. The display lasted 12 seconds.  The entire crowd moaned in unison.

Kandee giggled, spoon in one hand and Attorney Mark Holmes in the palm of the other hand.

~~~

Seattle: Real Life Superheroes and Villains??

Phoenix Jones 

Seattle has a SuperHero. His name is Phoenix Jones. They also have a villain.  And their superhero has a cool outfit.  Of course, you do have to take a leap of faith and believe that pepper spray is a powerful superhero weapon.  It got our hero fired from his State job when he was arrested for spraying protesters last fall.

The latest villain (yes, there was one before this) is Rex Velvet.  He is more like a satirical Villain than a true evil person.  He makes nice videos about villainy and he pokes fun at our city's super pepper hero.

The result of Velvet's attacks? Phoenix Jones does not like Rex very much.  Sounds like a battle for the minds of the people of Gotham Seattle is underway.

Rex Velvet's Clever Campaign of Imagined Terror

So what the heck is going on here?  From what I can gather, and I am playing a three year catch-up with the story, Phoenix Jones is a 22 year-old former MMA fighter named Ben Fodor.  He has proclaimed himself "Guardian of Seattle".  Most recently he prevented an attempted car theft.

Last month Phoenix used his ummm Phoeny powers to umm..well, he didn't actually do much of anything. He did look swell in defense of a few downtown buildings when the real-life destructive bad guys starting tossing rocks at buildings.

The local press love their superhero but that hasn't landed him any book tours, movie roles, or serious notoriety cash.  At least not yet. But he has shook hands with a few famous people we know. He also loves to collar drunks in the Belltown section of Seattle, ridding those city streets of pestilent behavior and vomit.

But what about the villain, Rex Velvet?   According to the latest Seattle Weekly, Rex Velvet claims he is descended from a "long line of villains." He wants Phoenix to hang up his superhero costume for the last time and has placed posters around the city urging all super villains to join him in his battle to defeat Phoenix Jones.

Phoenix Jones took Rex's proclamation seriously and challenged Rex Velvet to a duel using any type of weapon other than a gun.  (It is rumored that Jones wears a bullet-proof and stab-proof costume.)  Jones threw down the challenge on a local Seattle radio show.  Velvet declined.  Smart villain.  An ex-MMA fighter with super phoeny powers?  You want to drop a piano on that guy.

There is also a beautiful side-kick.  We have to have one of those too.  Just like in the movies.  Her name is Purple Reign  (she and Jones are legally married) and she acts as oracle, researcher, charity organizer, and patrols the streets for crime prevention- just like her super hero hubby.

On Seattle's KISS 106.1FM, where he called Rex out to battle, Jones took a few good shots at Velvet,

" You're like the Kim Kardashian of villains."  and then " Villains fight superheroes, and fake villains make YouTube videos."

Velvet responded by pointing out a major character fault of our own superhero - Jones is known to respond to posts online in ALL CAPS.  Quoted in Seattle Weekly,  Velvet retorted, " Clearly Phoenix Jones needs to figure out where the caps lock button is first.


To read more about this subject, go to Seattle Weekly's Feature Story
here: http://www.seattleweekly.com/2012-06-13/news/rex-velvet-s-goldmine/

  

Le Morse et la Baudroie - Cockney Edition on Vimeo

Le Morse et la Baudroie - Cockney Edition on Vimeo: ""

'via Blog this'

Are Virtual Servers a Scam? My conversation with customer service at Dreamhost.com

Last September we started another blog. Not here are Google but using Wordpress with a private hosting company named Dreamhost.  This company was highly recommended in two recent How-To books about WordPress.

When our WordPress blog first came online we were surprised at the positive response from the readers.  I had been blogging consistently here at TMMC for several months and our readership here was good.  Over the five years we've been a blog, we had reached 40,000 page views at Mutant Mouse and were averaging 50 views a day.    At our WordPress blog we exceeded that number within 7 weeks. We were very surprised.  But two months after our launch, our new blog went haywire.  We couldn't access the site, readers were getting the 404 page error - the entire site was a huge mess.

Then we received an email from our provider, Dreamhost.  We had exceeded our capacity and we needed to move to a virtual server (VPS) to solve memory problems.  There was an additional cost, but we could start with lower memory maximum and then manage our resources by sliding up our usage. If our site became too memory greedy, just push the slider up (click and drag) and we would have more memory instantly- albeit at a higher cost.  We agreed, paid our fee and within a short period of time we were back to normal.

A few weeks after committing an additional eighteen dollars ($18.00) a month ($216.00 per year), we received another email from Dreamhost telling us that there had been a spike in our service and our virtual server had to reboot. We could solve this problem by simply clicking through to our Resource Management Page to slide the bar up for a higher memory limit.  Of course, as we slid the bar, the cost went up.  I looked at my memory usage on the bar graph provided by Dreamhost on the same page and there was no indication that we had come within a hundred megabytes of our maximum of 300 MB (at $18.00 per month).  We were using 50-100MG of memory with one spike to 200MG.

Nevertheless,  I raised the amount to around 350MG and all was well again.  Now I was up to an additional 20 dollars a month ($240.00 per year) over our original monthly hosting cost. Suddenly we were 240 dollars over our budget for the year for a virtual server (VPS) to host our blog at um..yeah, that highly recommended Dreamhost company.

What were we posting that was causing all these memory problems?  I was writing reviews of albums, embedding YouTube videos, and posting short audio clips.   We were receiving about 800-1000 hits per day from approximately 300 unique visitors.  We were not setting the world on fire but it seemed like a lot to us.

The Dreamhost reboot server emails kept coming and I kept checking the bar graph each time and each time there was no evidence of a spike large enough to require a reboot.  I upped the slider bar a second time. Now we were paying 22.00 a month extra  ($264.00 per year).

On December 26th, I received a re-boot email immediately after I posted an embedded video. I quickly surfed like a pro to Dreamhost's webpanel and guess what? No record of a spike.   So I sent a chat request to Dreamhost customer service.  Here is the transcript of our chat:

General Info
Chat start time	Dec 26, 2011 6:00:09 PM EST
Chat end time	Dec 26, 2011 6:20:16 PM EST
Duration (actual chatting time)	00:20:06
Operator	Jeremy T.

Chat Transcript

info: Please wait for a site operator to respond. info: You are now chatting with 'Jeremy T.' Jeremy T.: hi there! how can I hepl you? richard: I have a question. Why do I keep getting emails telling me I've used up my allocated memory on the server and when I go to look at the graphs..I am not even CLOSE to uising that much memory.. Jeremy T.: The graphs can't show it when you hit the limit as they only update every few minutes. richard: I have 374MB and I have never exceeded 200mb richard: but I go back and check..and I have NOT ONCE exceeded 300mb and I am allocated 374mb richard: Im concerned about this Jeremy T.: The graph only checks once, every few minutes. It isn't capable of showing a spike that takes you over your memory limit. richard: but wouldnt I see the spike at some point? richard: look at my graphs.. Jeremy T.: The graphs can't show a spike. That's the entire reason why we email you when it happens. richard: there is no spike is what Im trying to explaint to you. richard: the spike is well under..100mb under my limit Jeremy T.: I know it doesn't seem like there was, but as I was saying, the graph only checks the server once every few minutes. Between those intervals, your memory usage is unrecorded. That's when you would have hit your limit. richard: if that is fact, then why wouldnt I see the spike in my history at some point? Jeremy T.: Because it would have happened in between graph points, when your server isn't checked. richard: so you have a graph that does not show the peak points? Jeremy T.: Unfortunately, that's correct. THat's the reason why we send you an email when you hit your limit, so you can know when exactly this happens. richard: therefore the graph is useless. richard: because ti does not accurately show my peak usage Jeremy T.: I'm afraid that it is not useful for troubleshooting memory spikes. richard: so your email points me to a graph that does not show the peak that exceeds my limit, correct? Jeremy T.: Correct, as that is the page where you can increase your memory allocation. richard: This is a serious flaw and I cant but wonder if it is an intentional sales gimmick.. You provide no tangible proof that I have actually exceeded my limit. I may have to consider moving to a different host when my time expires in February unless I can get a better result, Jeremy. Jeremy T.: I'm afraid that we can't troubleshoot your memory usage for you, but you can follow the steps in these articles to get an idea of what's going on: Jeremy T.: http://wiki.dreamhost.com/Finding_Causes_of_Heavy_Usage Jeremy T.: http://wiki.dreamhost.com/PS_Optimization Jeremy T.: http://wiki.dreamhost.com/DreamHost_PS_Troubleshooting richard: nope..already done it. If I have exceeded my limit..SHOW ME the data richard: I wuld like to know what my peak usage was Jeremy T.: Your VPS is killed as soon as it hits the limit. Jeremy T.: So your peak usage is whatever you currently have allocated. Jeremy T.: As soon as it hits that mark, it gets restarted and you get sent that email. richard: so you can provide a graph showing when I hit that limit? Jeremy T.: Not currently. That is why we send you the email. richard: ok..I am going to file a ticket/complaint over this. I want to know the exact time I hit my limit. The server records the reboot and I will need that time to compare against my posts.  info: Your chat transcript will be sent to fishfirewrite@gmail.com at the end of your chat. richard: thank you for your time, Jeremy. Jeremy T.: Have a good day, then!

I didn't file the ticket.  What's the use? I accepted the fact that Dreamhost was not capable or willing to help me, and that their graph misrepresented our usage. I would begin searching for a new host provider.   I began to ask friends and found another company, in case I needed to switch.   My favorite quote in the customer service chat was the amazingly clueless "I'm afraid we can't troubleshoot your memory usage for you.."    Someone high up at Dreamhost should look up the definition of SERVICE.    


Here Are My Top Ten Reasons For Leaving Dreamhost

1. Dreamhost is the one  that told us that we needed this special server.
2. Dreamhost is the one who told us the memory on the new VPS wasn't large enough 
3. Dreamhost is the one providing the virtual server to us at an additional cost per month.
4. Dreamhost is the one who kept sending us emails that we exceeded our memory allotment.
5. Dreamhost is the one who directed us to the memory usage graph page to review our history.
6. Dreamhost is the one who provides the graph that tracks memory usage.
7. Dreamhost is the one who clocks memory usage spikes that force a reboot at our max usage.
8. Dreamhost installed software that generates and sends an email at the moment the computer reboots.
9. Dreamhost installed software for a graph that conveniently does not show peak memory usage.   
10. Dreamhost's entire VPS system crashed in January putting thousands of websites in the dark


Dreamhost, I'm afraid we can't troubleshoot your VPS server failure for you. 

Here is a redacted copy of the form letter that Dreamhost sent when we allegedly exceeded the limit:

DreamHost VPS Stability Robot no-reply@dreamhost.com	Jan 23 (5 days ago)
to me

 Hi richard!

 Nobody likes to hear that they've packed on a few pounds, but we wanted you to hear it from a friend.

 Your DreamHost VPS, ps73610, has just exceeded the memory allocation that you've established.  If left unchecked that behavior could begin to negatively impact the VPS services of every other customer on your server.

 As a result we've had to reboot your VPS, effectively restarting your virtual machine.  You may experience several minutes of downtime while your services come back online.

 Based on the usage pattern that we've seen today, it's clear that you'd be best served by either working to reduce your memory footprint or simply increasing the amount of memory available to your VPS.

 We've put together some documentation that can help you troubleshoot and even reduce your current memory usage:
 http://wiki.dreamhost.com/DreamHost_PS_Troubleshooting
 http://wiki.dreamhost.com/PS_Optimization

 Remember, you can visit https://panel.dreamhost.com/index.cgi?tree=vserver.usage to scale your memory allocation up (or down) whenever you'd like!

 Strictly speaking, you don't HAVE to take any action right now, but if your memory usage continues to routinely exceed the allocation level you've specified, you may experience more brief periods of downtime as your services are restarted.  You may also get sick of seeing this message in your inbox. Unfortunately there's not much that we can do about either, so we hope you'll consider upgrading!

 Thank you for choosing DreamHost!

 Sincerely,
 The Humble DreamHost VPS Stability Robot
 http://www.dreamhost.com/

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3/4/12 Update

There is a happy ending.  I moved the site over to another company and there hasn't been a hint of a problem and even more interesting is this fact- when the new company analyzed our traffic and usage, they determined that we didn't even need virtual servers and set us up on a shared server- exactly where we started with Dreamhost in September of 2011.  

Was this all a ruse by Dreamhost to extract more money from our pocket?  If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it is either a duck or an insurance company!   But who really knows?  Perhaps Dreamhost has shoddy equipment, or haven't upgraded fast enough to keep up with the amount of traffic coming in to THEIR servers. All I know for certain is Dreamhost can't help troubleshoot my memory problem because I have no memory problem.  I vividly remember my bad Dreamhost experience.  Just like I remember every other nightmare - right after I wake up.

Diffle County Report: Three Yellow Roses For You, Darling

Big Don says Father Figure started it.  Father Figure says  Larry started it. Larry blamed it on the kid.   While scraping the shoulder of Township Road #639 with the backhoe (helps keep rainwater from ponding on the road), the road department found dirty plastic flowers lying on the shoulder.  They were the kind of flowers that you buy at the dollar store and stab into the grave-ground of your least favorite Aunt.  That way you won't have to visit her as often.  Plastic lasts a long time.

The flowers were picked up off the side of the road, brought back to the maintenance garage, then placed on the meeting room table at the Grinold Township Muncipal Building.  They were the nastiest, weather-beaten plastic flowers anyone had ever seen.  A few minutes after we arrived for work, Big Don walked in to the room. He picked the skanky flowers up and looked them over.

"These will be perfect for my wife's birthday."  Don said with a matter-of fact smile.   "I won't have to pay a cent for them, and now I can afford lunch and dinner with my sweetie at the County Fair. Larry, thank the kid for me when you see him. "

Larry shook his head. "Don, don't you think she will be offended?"  he asked.

"Why would she be offended? Big Don looked slightly puzzled.  "She loves sausage sandwiches!"

(You know that moment when you fully realize you won't win the debate?   Larry was already there.)

"I meant the flowers.  Don't you think she will be offended?"  Larry was becoming exasperated, the look of defeat creeping onto his face.

Big Don gave  one of his crafty old smiles.   "Larry,  it's our twentieth anniversary. What kind of husband would I be if I didn't bring flowers home?  There isn't a better dinner than sausage sandwiches at the County Fair and a paper plate dessert of  Funnel Cake. Of course, we'll have to clean these flowers up first."

Then he paused a moment, let out a dramatic sigh, shook is head and concluded,  "Frankly, I don't know how I do it all."   Then he grinned huge and we burst out laughing.

The very next day, Big Don walked in carrying three long stemmed yellow roses.  They were beautiful.  They were perfect.  They were plastic.   Larry, the kid, Father Figure, Horst and I were sitting around the meeting room table, drinking our morning coffee (courtesy of Horst M. Slavic Plumbing and Heating) and reading local obituaries out loud.

Horst:  Oh my, did ya see that there Mrs. Baldinger died.  She was 86 years old.  Now look a her, she's dead.
Larry:  Yep, she's dead. dead and dead.
Father Figure:  Well, I seem to remember her husband got into a mess downtown once..the police caught him dressed like woman stealing bras from J.J. Newberry's.  She was never the same after that.
the kid:  Why, because she didn't have any bras to wear?
Larry:  Well, that had to be a helluva a long time ago. Newberry's closed down 20 years ago.
Father Figure: I ain't getting any younger.  I only got one thing that still works. (looks down at his crotch)
the kid:  Yeah, that's how YOU remember it.

At this point Big Don jumped into the conversation.  "Etta Baldinger was a good friend of my mothers. She used to come over to visit.  I don't know how mom could stand her.  The woman never bathed a day in her life. Mom would clean for two hours after Etta went home." Then with hardly a pause, "Ricky, does your sweetie have a special day soon?"

I looked up from the Sports page of Diffle County Reporter that I was barely reading. "Her birthday is next week."

"Good, give her these flowers and when she is done with them, bring them back and one of us can use them for our wives.  She's from Texas.  Give your yellow rose a yellow rose."

The men chuckled and then Larry asked, "Don, what happened to the other flowers?

Big Don shook his head.  "That didn't go over as well as I expected.  They are back on the side of the road again. They flew right out the window. But I have higher hopes with the yellow roses."

  

  

The Staves - Mexico

perfect harmonies!

Speed of light 'broken' by scientists - Telegraph

Speed of light 'broken' by scientists - Telegraph:

Coming up next....Warp 1